Step 1, for real this time

With a week off of school, terrible snowy weather, and self induced isolation, I've found a farm to purchase. My brain has been imagining my farm life for quite a while, and I've been a bit vocal, but not so vocal that people will gasp at my impulsivity. You see, it doesn't seem impulsive to me, because this has been a imagined heaven on earth. The hesitation is, and has always been, fear. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of criticism.

The last straw came on November 22, 2019. My school had an early release scheduled, well early for students. We, teachers, had meetings in the afternoon, and were anxious and antsy to start Thanksgiving Break, a week off around here. At this 2:00 pm meeting (which seemed a little power trippy to me), my Principal decides to inform us that "our" (who, exactly, I'm not sure) excessive copying has created a budget deficit and if we don't stop, we will have to cut a position.

Um, WHAT?!? First of all, what kind of bullshit world do we live in that teachers are, literally, counting copies? Second, why in the holy hell would a principal decide to tell his staff this ridiculous information THE DAY BEFORE BREAK?

I set off home for a long, well deserved break. I know that I live in a world filled with greed. Amazon seriously paid zero taxes last year? Jeff Bezos is a trillionaire, pays his staff unlivable wages, and doesn't support the local economy where his businesses thrive? Education is deemed a low class job. The people spending all day with your kid is barely making it.

As I approach 50, life feels more important to live.

On top of the economic shit, there is climate. Yes, I agree, that the climate HAS changed over geologic history, and guess what, along with those climactic changes are extinctions. Like big ones, like 90% of living species gone at the end of the Permian. What is so sad and pathetic about what is happening with our current climate situation is that WE KNOW BETTER. We know how we got into this, and we know how to get ourselves out of it.

So there I was, with my self induced isolation, a frigid winter storm, frozen ice sheets for streets - dreaming of my farm.

Then I saw a FB post from a high school peer in NC. He was spreading the news about a farmhouse for sale, and the spark was relit. After some zillow searching, I found a property to explore more. Now I sit in waiting to see if my offer was accepted...

The spirit

My 7th grade language arts colleague assigned her kids to write their Christmas Story. Well, one student couldn't think of anything to write, so he interviewed me about my story...

“CHRISTMAS IS STUPID”

-Lisa Yemma-

The first reason that

Christmas is the dumbest event ever

Is because it is very stressful because everyone buys gifts

But then you have to buy them gifts,

Also, Everyone wraps all their presents

Just so that the wrapping paper can be torn apart

And it's not like the wrapping paper is doing us any favors

All wrapping paper does is pollute our world

When someone rips up wrapping paper

You can almost hear the pollution

Wrapping paper can't even be recycled

Then there are the people

who must for some reason have a dead tree

in their living room

Like you are cutting down a tree so it can

Stand in your living room and make a mess

Trees are like small children

And then there are those people

Who get fake dead trees

Fake dead trees are pretty much fake small children

Who wants a fake small child?

When Christmas rolls around

People buy people so much useless stuff

People like post pictures of all their

Presents, Food, and Decorations

And then there are like

#ChristmasTime

I would be like

#WastingAllMyMoney

Or

#BuyingMySecondCousinsSonLegos

Or

#UnnecessaryUseOfMoneyAndHashtag

And then you spend YOUR money

On a nice present

That the person uses like once

I’m just saying why even buy a present

If the present is going to be a RC car

That the kid uses once

And then tries to get it to fly off a ten foot ledge

And suddenly there goes your present

Half the presents people get

People don’t actually want

Christmas is the season of JOY

Hah sych

Christmas is the season of pooping

I mean like sure there is a lot of good food

But that just means that you gain like three pounds

And then every day you spend at least thirty minutes on the toilet

Because there is so much food

Which brings me to my next complaint

Waste

Not like the poop waste

No like the bad for the environment waste

And not just that but like food waste

Sure the mass amount of food

Is nice, But people throw away so much food

That or you just have two weeks of leftovers.

And then you have to clean up

Everything

Wrapping paper (#Wasteful)

Food

Dishes

Trees (#small_children)

Your relationships

Right Relationships

They tend to fracture

Over christmas dinner when people start to talk

Religions or Politics

And finally the worst part

CHURCH

Sure it's Jesus birthday

But cant we just go

“HAPPY B-DAY JESUS”

And then be done

Since when does Jesus want us to sing

We could just abandon Church

Or

WE COULD ABANDON CHRISTMAS

YAHHHH

Is this a test?

If you think you would have stood up for Jews during the Holocaust, then what are you doing now?

A couple of months ago my book club group decided to that we should read "The Zookeepers Wife" by Diane Ackerman. Set in Poland during WWII, the zoo is bombed, animals are killed, and the zookeeper's wife hides and helps 300 jews during a time when her own family was at risk, and her actions could have had dire consequences. As I was reading this book, I was reminded of all the other WWII books I've read and movies I've seen, and the same thought I always get came pouring back.

What would I have done?

It is taboo to talk about this topic in this way, unless you say that you would have helped, you would have spoken up, you would have risked your life and your family to "do the right thing". Well, I don't know. Would I? If I were in the same layer of life I am now, lower middle class, little access to money, stuck in a crappy neighborhood, would I have spoken up/out? I don't know. I would, obviously, like to think, duh, of course, but is that true?

I bring this up to my book club, and of course there is that awkward silence. The sideways glances. Ugh, I can't believe she said that. What a horrible person. And yet, how many people didn't speak up? How many people just stood by while groups of people were deemed non human, not worthy of living, wrong.

And then 2017 happens. White supremacists? Seriously? In 2017, with our advances in genetics, our knowledge of the human genome, of our place in the classification of living organisms. Our DNA is a code of chemicals, the four chemical bases (ATCG) that make up our instructional blueprint it identical to the four chemical bases (ATCG) that make up every known living organism - bacteria, mushrooms, penicillin, spiders, an oak tree, and on and on. As humans we are multicelluar and need to eat for energy, we are therefore classified in the Animal Kingdom. Our classification leads all known humans to be in the same genus and species. We are one. There is one human race. In that same race, there are small differences in our DNA that lead to limited uniqueness. We like to dwell on differences, it helped us survive in the wild. Our instinct to judge, to make assumptions, to stereotype, helpingus survive with split second decisions to run from that noise. Was that a lion? Those early hominids that judged quickly and ran, survived. What is different? Homo sapiens developed a large frontal lobe, a place to think, make decisions, reason. So we still have that instinct to judge, and we do, but the difference is we have a frontal lobe that tells us, ok, I see that you've made a split second judgement, before you react, let's analyze the situation and make a choice on what to do next.

Pick any group of humans you want. Ask yourself this - does that human have a liver, kidneys, lungs, two femurs, external ears, hair, hormones? We are virtually exactly the same, and yet we focus on things like the amount of melanin in the cells of the skin. There is variation in skin color in homo sapiens. This is science. Science doesn't care what you believe (thank you Neil DeGrasse Tyson), and if you believe that skin color makes a person more than or less than any other, than your belief, your claim, is not supported by evidence, and a claim without evidence is not valid.

Now the question becomes, what does society do with a population of people that have false beliefs? People that have built a paradigm on information that has no evidence to support the claims? And who are these people? I'm really curious to know if any atheist scientists identify as white supremacists.

And now, what do we do? A group of misinformed people chose a president that has an invalid belief system. He has yet to demonstrate that his frontal lobe is functional, and yet, I don't deny that he is a human, I just deny that he is a human that should be leading a country. So, do we wait, and for what? What are we doing, what should we do? Will this be in the history books in 50 years? Millions of Americans just stood by as their country crumbled into a pit of racism and despair? If this is a test, we are failing.

Repeating history - does that sound like a good idea to you?

2017 in the United States of America and one of the many current conversations about Science is Data Rescuing. Data Rescuing. How do we care for scientific data? Just let that sink in for a minute. 

As a science teacher, I encourage my students to visualize the lives of the historical scientists we study and read about. I remind my kids that we only know what we know when we know it. Science is about collecting data, analyzing that data, and figuring out relationships between the data. Are scientists wrong? Of course, all the time, and how do they handle the new data that shows that the relationships they analyzed aren't really what they thought? They CHANGE their claims. Science is ever evolving, ever changing, morphing as we find more data, as technology enhances our ability to "see" the world. 

It wasn't so long ago that people thought that sicknesses were because people were possessed with the devil. In a world before microscopes, there was no way to imagine microscopic organisms, never mind these microbes causing disease. 

Science is the human mind's way of explaining natural phenomenon. Science is different from religion because science is based on evidence, AND changes with new evidence. Science does not involve faith in the unknown, but faith in a process, a logical, sequential, mathematical process. 

Math is the language of the Universe. Whether you think you are "good" at math or not, you are. Your brain evolved to notice patterns. Math is patterns. 

In Galileo's time, in Newton's time, in Mendel's time, in Darwin's time, there were people trying to explain the world through the logical processes of science. We excuse the push back because "those" people didn't know. They didn't have enough exposure to knowledge. Education wasn't accessible. Information was filtered as a small group of leaders saw fit. 

How, how? How have we gone backwards? How has the citizens of the US allowed a small group of leaders to decide that science data, and access to science data should be filtered? How have we allowed this small group to decide what is "true", not based on data, but based on greed? We have allowed greed to filter how we not only see the world, but live our lives, and how we make decisions. Does this small group really think that a world with more coal is preferable to exploring how our Sun's energy can be harnessed? 

I see greed, but I don't understand greed. Homo sapiens will not survive as individuals. Homo sapiens are community organisms. We need groups, a tribe, collaboration. We are now the Divided States of America, and unless we want to be a community again, we will collapse.

Just another day, and...

Today one of my coworkers died. Cancer. Just 60 years old.

I am a introvert in an extrovert world. I heard the news, and my first instinct was to get my dogs, and go for a hike. Find the forest. Feel fresh air, sun, dirt.

You know what I did? I stayed at school. I listened to your children. I consoled their tears. I gave them space, and then asked what they needed. We talked, we worked. I stayed.

It's my job. It's my job to stay with your children, to not leave, to be there. It is my job to be a content expert, a behavioral psychologist, a mediator, a mentor, a voice of reason, a comedian, an inspiration.

How much is that worth to you?

Ask yourself this as we near election time. In all this mess, where do our Presidential candidates stand on Education. Do you know? Are there local laws that need to be/should be passed that will support your schools. Remember, that even if you choose private or charter schools, not everyone has the luxury. Or maybe you don't even have kids, or your kids are grown, well, John Green sums it up best...

Please do your homework and ensure that the future of our world is ready for that responsibility.

This is it

Saturday I was walking into the grocery store, when I saw a pregnant woman with her groceries packed in plastic bags from the store. What?!? This woman, who is about to leave a HUMAN behind on Earth, doesn't even care enough to bring reusable bags to the store?

A colleague at work buys single use, plastic water bottles to drink out of.

Cigarette butts litter my street.

Packaging is out of control, especially at Trader Joes.

Based on my anecdotal evidence, I've developed a hypothesis.

Hypothesis: There is an inverse correlation between a person's belief in afterlife and their views on taking care of the environment. The stronger the belief in a god/afterlife/heaven, the less they care about taking care of the environment.

Reasoning: The reasoning is simple. If you believe that there is some place to go after you die, you aren't worried about the state of the Earth. If you don't believe in an afterlife of any sort, then this is it. This is your life. This is your Earth. You've got one chance. All living organisms have one chance. You are a part of the chance.

Evidence: I'll admit that I haven't surveyed a large sample of people (I wish someone would). My evidence is based on observations. I know a few pious individuals, and what I've witnessed is those are the people that buy water in plastic. I don't live in Flint, so there is no reason to be buying water that some company has taken from a tap, bottled in toxic plastic, and now is profiting from.

The other day I was minding my own business in my home, when 8 marked police cars flew by my front window, followed by an unmarked car, an ambulance, fire truck, and then the ghetto bird (police helicopter) began circling. The neighbors came out and we all congregated at the end of the block, looking down at the chaos. My elderly neighbor, who is extremely religious, and has written and published books on god/religion, came over to my yard. He's a quiet, peaceful, gentle man. We stared down at the flashing lights and I asked him how he's managed to stay so positive about living in such a crazy world. He comment - I'm paraphrasing: "I have hope of a great life in Heaven."

So, wait. The idea of going to heaven, excuses you from taking action now?

And then there's my atheist friends. People who believe that this is it. Our time on Earth IS the point. Those are the people carrying around reusable bags, going to yoga, refilling water bottles.

"Gotta do much more than believe, if we really want to change things.
Gotta do much more than believe, if want to see the world change." - DMB (Gaucho)

"Please Wake Up" -DMB

Brain Vomit

I've been trying to mentally digest something for a few weeks and as of this moment, I'm not even past the chewing stage. Mental chewing.

One of my closet friends, that I've had for a LONG time, 25 years, shared her most recent raise with me.

We were sitting at the park, just hanging on a bench, chit chatting, like long time friends do, when she came out with the statement -

"My raise this year is $bleeeeepppp"

When I heard the number, I choked down a bit of spit and sat with that number in my head. Then I went home, and that's when the mental chewing began.

You see - her raise - her raise - is MORE THAN MY YEARLY TAKE HOME SALARY.

I don't mean to yell, but all this mental chewing has me out of sorts.

I know, I know, I picked this profession knowing the salary, but holy hell, when the scenario was presented as such, I mentally flipped, choked and wanted to barf.

What kind of world do we live in where a banker makes more than a teacher?

Don't you want your kids to have a kick ass teacher that rocks their universe into inspiration? You'll say, yes, you always do.

If you take up space and have mass, then you matter

Bright flash

Pop

Pop pop pop pop

Midnight in the 'hood

2 shaking pups

Have you noticed an

Inverse

Relationship 

Between sensibility and

Income?

It's not about color, race, religion, gender,

It's about the notion that you can

Make a difference. 

What is the formula to sell you,

No, I'll just give it to you,

What's the formula, so that you realize that you

Make a difference. 

It's time and I don't know how much 

Longer

I can just stand by and watch you

Ruin the world 

Stop

You matter

We all matter

It's just a collection of matter. 

Simmering faster

I'm pretty sure that it's not normal that I've already started thinking about my next job...

How do you remain human when it's pitch dark at 5:00 pm?

Why am I so saddened at the election results?

'Hood life, part 1

The thing about living in the 'hood is that the laughter/play screaming of kids is followed by a foul mouthed mother, and I use the word "mother" lightly, yelling in her rasping cigarette stained scratched up voice for the kids to shut the eff up and stop this, don't do that, get out, you are an idiot.

I sit on my back porch and wonder what chance the kids will ever have when they are barked at all day by a trashy person that just so happened to have given birth to them. I send positive vibes in their direction, willing the kids to seek solice in school and become readers and problem solvers that don't just want to spew out a bunch of offspring but want to, if they so desire, raise a kid, bring them up, not down. 

I feel like an old lady sitting back there. I suppose I am. 

This ain't no place for tact

My school district is full swing into this pay for performance thing. I had my final evaluation last week, which consisted of two peer observations, two administration observations and then I guess just rumors and gossip. We have rubric online that we have to fill out about ourselves and then the admin fills out their perspective and you meet and discuss. One of the categories is "professionalism", which includes things like working in teams, collaborating with other staff and families, extensions outside the classroom. I rated myself confidently and had evidence to back it up, and as the discussion came to team work, my admin pointed out that I wasn't very tactful. I know you are shocked, that you were thinking how amazingly tolerant and tactful I am, yes, it's true...
My response... what the hell, dude, tact? That is what you are worried about? We are in an emergency 911 situation here. Our school is more like a mental facility than a school. The clock is ticking and it's ticking fast, ain't nobody got time for tact. Now can we get on with this meeting.

Proudest fake mom ever

The highlight of my teaching career happened this past weekend while I watched one of my former students give a key note speech at the Global Issues Network Conference in the Dominican Republic. I think that she was asked as kind of a token appreciation since she was a great contributor to her high school, but when she stood up there and started speaking it became instantly clear that she not only deserved this moment, earned this moment, but she was owning the moment.

Tears ran down my face as I sat and watched her rock every person, young and old, in the gym. I felt like a true proud parent. 

Watch MJ as she inspires us all.

If you are feeling like you need more, you can watch MJ and I inspire kids to set themselves up for success...

Cramped style

So what would happen if you don't have any money when it's time to retire? Do any of you think about that? Isn't there tons of people out there that barely have enough money to get by now, and are swimming in debt? What are they going to do when they get old. I keep thinking that my retirement plan will be to drive my car off a cliff, but the older I get I do care a little less and less about all the worries. I don't want to take too good care of myself, I mean, I can't live too long. I don't have any kids to watch grow up, worry about. Fresa will probably live a good healthy 15 years or so, I'll be 58 or so, eeek.

What's that saying about living forever but pretend today is your last? Do you know anyone that can do that?

I want one of those little tiny houses on a nice piece of land with trees, birds and a line of sight to a body of water.

Wild wheat dog

I spend most of my day feeling like I don't belong. My brain races with inappropriate thoughts, and although most people think I'm blunt, I keep most of my ideas tucked inside this sphere of bone. There is one thing that I do that I feel completely at peace. Hiking. Being outside. Surrounded by nature. It's only better with my dog.

Today I bundled up and headed to an old damn, that is now a path, and the lake a golf course. Beyond the golf course I noticed a sort of path and decided to let Fresa illegally off leash in the grass.

This area of the city is up high. The views incredible and forever. As I walked down the path I came to a sign that describes this area as a reclaimed landfill. Interesting. No digging please. Well, that would explain those vent pipes sticking out over there. Releasing methane?

As I walked north, the sun behind me, I was mesmerized by the swirling darkness.

The dipping spouts. Huh, is this tornado weather? The wind was whipping. I looked around for a low spot, a ditch, just in case. My thoughts were, well, if this is the time to go, let's go. I did have an image of Fresa and I being swept up in the funnel and dropping somewhere not too distant. 

I've heard coyotes around here before, so I was conscience of that as I let Fresa run around.

Her wheat fur matching the wheat colored grasses of the plains. We wandered for an hour or so and the feeling of freedom, energy, life surrounded me. I need to hike every day. 

Looking

I feel like staying in the public school system is walking with the crowd in the wrong direction. I love teaching, well, by that I mean that I love the actual interaction with people about cool stuff. Unfortunately my job is a combination of the awesome teaching part and the hours and hours of meaningless paperwork. I'm pretty good at ignoring the stuff that is meaningless, but here in Denver our pay is based on all that crap, well at least part of our pay.

What about going back to school? Would I be the old lady sitting in the class. You know, that annoying old one that keeps answering all the questions? My masters in education kind of pigeon holes me into things that I don't necessarily want to do. How do I know what is out there? There are jobs that I don't even know exist, how do I get my hands on those?

How about working at a nature center? Yeah, the pay would be barely scraps, but I've lived on scraps before, in fact, even with the highest pay I've ever had in the States, I still feel like I'm living on scraps.

What I do know is that I'm happiest amongst the trees.

hashtag reality

As I sit here burning coal so I don't freeze to death I reflect on reality.

mandatory birth control

Why is it that everyone that I've ever talked to thinks there should be some sort of test before you can procreate and yet only stupid people are breeding and I don't even own a TV.

Traveling in North America over winter break can be a nightmare. Luckily it looked like the nightmare was staying in the Northeast and Midwest, but as I was sitting at my gate with Fresa in tow I hear an announcement that we won't arrive in Denver until 1:30, which is two hours later than my scheduled time. Of course the boards say that our departure is on time and as the mumblings start we find out that indeed the flight is being delayed. Now I've got to make my way outside to let Fresa pee and stretch. When I walk back in I hear that the flight is now leaving at 7:05 pm. Another girl is standing there and tells me that she is having her friends pick her up, they live close. Damn. I call my sister and she needs to shower before she leaves, so I wait.

All this time I am checking my phone updates for Southwest and the 7:05 changes back to 11:30. What? I confirm that the new time is now 11:30. That poor girl had already been picked up.

At 11 they tell us they are starting to board and I am hopeful, but not too optimistic. I need to be in the air to really think we're leaving.

We board, Southwest has that stupid open boarding policy. Just assign me a seat so I can go to it. I feel like people take longer looking when it's open seating.

We're in line for takeoff and get the news that it will be at least 9 more minutes.

Then there's a huge THUD. Loud. Bam. Followed by screaming. A tiny baby is laying in the aisle 3 rows in front of me. The man across the aisle leans over as the mom realizes that she has fallen asleep and dropped her kid.

A man comes up the aisle and presents himself as a doctor. He was tall, handsome and part Asian, which made me giggle from stereotyping. The flight attendant was worried about a concussion and, although she was a bit dramatic, I mentally agreed with her push to have the baby checked before we took off. Of course now I'm thinking about my delay, selfish, I know, but that's what popped into my head. That and that baby is probably better off if it's life ended now. I know people make mistakes, but imagine dropping your kid. I silently patted myself on the back for choosing not to have kids.

We rolled back to the gate and the paramedics came aboard and decided that the lady and her kid should be removed. Of course when this was mentioned the lady asked about her luggage and worried that if she got off she wouldn't have her bag. I am not sure if she was in shock or flippant about dropping her kid, it was a strange interaction.

Hey, maybe with that blow to the head the kid will now have two different colored eyes...

Revelation # 841

It was yesterday that I realized that not only do I love all things hiking, being outside, wandering along paths, it's actually my favorite activity. For the past several years I've search for and been on some pretty amazing hiking adventures but as I walked through the tree lined, pine needled paths of Harris Lake that I felt the realization that this is exactly where I want to be. Not at Harris lake persay but hiking. Outside. Among the trees and birds, wandering through nature not seeing a single building, store, or many people for that matter. In the past two days I've hiked 10 miles and passed 4 people.

I've also come to the realization that I am quite the introvert. I would choose going out into the woods on a hike over a party without a second thought. The one thing that does make my hike better is my dog. I want to spend more time hiking and less time working. 

I am going to spend more time outside and less time working starting now. 

RrEeFmLoErCsTe

As per usual I was reflecting on last year and the enormous opportunity I had to leap. Leap big. Leap big off that huge cliff, over the huge canyon and glide down to the next step. But alas, I am hugely disappointed in myself. Instead of taking that chance to jump, I spent energy looking for a safe crossing. That secure metal bridge supported by normal-ness and societies expectations. That damn bridge. Now I am safe but filled with remorse. This could possibly be exactly what is supposed to happen, but in the meantime I am stuck in a pit. A pit of, how do I describe this place? This place of knowing I'm not supposed to be here. That my purpose and potential is being wasted and I'm not contributing positively to the world. These next few months of surrounding myself by negativity and hopelessness is going to be a great challenge. The greatest challenge being what to do on this next cliff. 

Christmas Tree Alternative

You know how I keep ranting about the stupid dead tree in your house?? Well I have a solution! This holiday season try something new. Instead of killing a perfectly good oxygen machine, you could try this... This anti-oxygen machine will only need a little food and water and with some tender love and care he won't actually die and fall to pieces on your living room floor.

Name one person you know that wouldn't love this instead of a tree. And with this miraculous alternative you could forgo the wrapped presents and have a tree/present combo. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is a good idea.