The spirit

My 7th grade language arts colleague assigned her kids to write their Christmas Story. Well, one student couldn't think of anything to write, so he interviewed me about my story...

“CHRISTMAS IS STUPID”

-Lisa Yemma-

The first reason that

Christmas is the dumbest event ever

Is because it is very stressful because everyone buys gifts

But then you have to buy them gifts,

Also, Everyone wraps all their presents

Just so that the wrapping paper can be torn apart

And it's not like the wrapping paper is doing us any favors

All wrapping paper does is pollute our world

When someone rips up wrapping paper

You can almost hear the pollution

Wrapping paper can't even be recycled

Then there are the people

who must for some reason have a dead tree

in their living room

Like you are cutting down a tree so it can

Stand in your living room and make a mess

Trees are like small children

And then there are those people

Who get fake dead trees

Fake dead trees are pretty much fake small children

Who wants a fake small child?

When Christmas rolls around

People buy people so much useless stuff

People like post pictures of all their

Presents, Food, and Decorations

And then there are like

#ChristmasTime

I would be like

#WastingAllMyMoney

Or

#BuyingMySecondCousinsSonLegos

Or

#UnnecessaryUseOfMoneyAndHashtag

And then you spend YOUR money

On a nice present

That the person uses like once

I’m just saying why even buy a present

If the present is going to be a RC car

That the kid uses once

And then tries to get it to fly off a ten foot ledge

And suddenly there goes your present

Half the presents people get

People don’t actually want

Christmas is the season of JOY

Hah sych

Christmas is the season of pooping

I mean like sure there is a lot of good food

But that just means that you gain like three pounds

And then every day you spend at least thirty minutes on the toilet

Because there is so much food

Which brings me to my next complaint

Waste

Not like the poop waste

No like the bad for the environment waste

And not just that but like food waste

Sure the mass amount of food

Is nice, But people throw away so much food

That or you just have two weeks of leftovers.

And then you have to clean up

Everything

Wrapping paper (#Wasteful)

Food

Dishes

Trees (#small_children)

Your relationships

Right Relationships

They tend to fracture

Over christmas dinner when people start to talk

Religions or Politics

And finally the worst part

CHURCH

Sure it's Jesus birthday

But cant we just go

“HAPPY B-DAY JESUS”

And then be done

Since when does Jesus want us to sing

We could just abandon Church

Or

WE COULD ABANDON CHRISTMAS

YAHHHH

Christmas trees are not only irresponsible, but they don't make any sense

This makes just about as much sense as anything we call a "tradition" around the holidays. We could leave the native trees alone to get busy spitting out oxygen, and think of how much preservation fluid we'd save in the mortuary if we let the bugs eat the flesh and use the skeletons as our holiday decoration. 

It's non-stop up here, people, non-stop

There is a ping pong game inside my skull, but instead of the usual one ball, there are 100 balls, all battling for space, hitting my neurons, stimulating, crushing, it's an ADHD festival up there.

Have you noticed that the relationship between the amount of Christmas decorations and a person's income is inverse?

I'm still baffled at putting a dead tree inside a house. I mean, who was the first person to say, HEY, you guys, I think we should cut down a tree and bring it inside, BUT let's not just stop there, let's put a bunch of lights and crap on it.

My neighbors have pretty lights.

Two dogs is so freaking awesome.

I am still shocked that people don't think like I do.

Global warming means that instead of heading into the next ice age, we are heading in an increased warming phase. I don't want to head into an ice age...

My new colleague it a victim filled martyr. You can imagine how that's going.

Christmas Tree Alternative

You know how I keep ranting about the stupid dead tree in your house?? Well I have a solution! This holiday season try something new. Instead of killing a perfectly good oxygen machine, you could try this... This anti-oxygen machine will only need a little food and water and with some tender love and care he won't actually die and fall to pieces on your living room floor.

Name one person you know that wouldn't love this instead of a tree. And with this miraculous alternative you could forgo the wrapped presents and have a tree/present combo. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is a good idea.

Apparently I need to rant some more...

There are these little locally made breakfast burritos, all wrapped up in plastic that they sell in Whole Foods. After a bitterly cold morning walk with Fresa I decided to head over to the local market and pick up a buritto. I drive into the lot and almost slam into the cart rack. The entire front of the store is covered in dead trees, dead christmas trees with signs that read $69.99.

A few years back I wrote about this same topic and of ALL places in this universe, the last place that I thought I would see a dead house tree is at Whole Foods. I actually had an image of driving my car though the trees and sparing them the harsh dry slow withering from the heat of a house.

Can you just take one more minute to reflect on why you killed a tree to stand in your house for a few weeks? I can give the smokers a small break, I mean they don't even care if they kill their own lungs, why would they care about killing a tree, but you non-smoker people, come on. We need those trees, you know to breathe. Dead trees can't photosynthesize and provide our needy lungs with sacred oxygen.

 I went into Bed Bath and Beyond the other day and I almost had a panic attack. There is so much crappy China-made shit in there that the store owners should be charged with treason. Please be conscience about where your stuff is made. You have the power, the choice to buy locally made stuff. Yes, it may be a bit more expensive, but can't you cut back a little and only buy a few gifts?

I've made a decision that this xmas my gifts will be made in the US. If you need ideas go to the Etsy website and buy directly from the artist herself. Your downtown area probably has some great little shops with locally made stuff. Be a responsible consumer this holiday season. Give gifts that make the world better and let's cut our ties with toxic plastic crap from China.

Christmas trees are a stupid, irresponsible, ecological unfriendly, wasteful tradition

How do I write this post without sounding like a complete grinch?

Christmas trees are ecologically irresponsible and have NO place in the "true" meaning of Christmas, if you actually believe in Jesus. 

How's that? Too harsh? 

Seriously though, WHY do you have a dead tree in your house right now? Ok, you have a fake one, well, WHY do you have a fake, probably imported from China, non-recyclable plastic tree in your house right now? You have had the same tree for years, you say? Ok, well, keeping this tradition creates this drive to make more plastic trees than can possibly be sold, so where do these left over plastic trees go after they have been shipped around trying to be sold? Yes, the dump.

I know I sound like a miserable bitch, but I am teaching AP Environmental Science and I don't think you really understand the mess we've created. Resources are dwindling, clean water, clean air, healthy food, and here we are worried about a TREE - dead or plastic - to put in our house for a few weeks and then forget. Yes, it's tradition, I get it, but it's time to change our traditions. It was once tradition to sacrifice virgins to the gods, but we learned that wasn't very responsible and changed our ways. This is NOT "their" problem, this is YOUR problem. 

And don't get me started on wrapping paper, seriously, you just wrapped a present so that it could be torn open in 3 seconds and trashed...