Reflections on turning 42

I was craving a salad all day.

I bought myself a birthday beer and forgot to drink it.

I value my alone time.

As much as I want to return to international teaching, I love having a dog in my life.

I am feeling sentimental.

I identify with being a teacher.

I want to be outside as much as possible.

My family is awesome.

Societal pressures are hard to ignore.

I want more people to value nature more than football, shopping and material crap.

I want my students to overcome poverty, hold their head high, and march into their future.

I want to empower people to remove their roadblock...

Currently I am reading "The Blue Sweater" and this is my quote of the day:

"I only have one request.
I do not ask for money
Although I have need of it,
I do not ask for meat...
I have only one request,
All I ask is
That you remove
the roadblock
From my path."

- Okot P'Bitek

Wild wheat dog

I spend most of my day feeling like I don't belong. My brain races with inappropriate thoughts, and although most people think I'm blunt, I keep most of my ideas tucked inside this sphere of bone. There is one thing that I do that I feel completely at peace. Hiking. Being outside. Surrounded by nature. It's only better with my dog.

Today I bundled up and headed to an old damn, that is now a path, and the lake a golf course. Beyond the golf course I noticed a sort of path and decided to let Fresa illegally off leash in the grass.

This area of the city is up high. The views incredible and forever. As I walked down the path I came to a sign that describes this area as a reclaimed landfill. Interesting. No digging please. Well, that would explain those vent pipes sticking out over there. Releasing methane?

As I walked north, the sun behind me, I was mesmerized by the swirling darkness.

The dipping spouts. Huh, is this tornado weather? The wind was whipping. I looked around for a low spot, a ditch, just in case. My thoughts were, well, if this is the time to go, let's go. I did have an image of Fresa and I being swept up in the funnel and dropping somewhere not too distant. 

I've heard coyotes around here before, so I was conscience of that as I let Fresa run around.

Her wheat fur matching the wheat colored grasses of the plains. We wandered for an hour or so and the feeling of freedom, energy, life surrounded me. I need to hike every day. 

skip the bracelet

Nothing like trying to put on a bracelet to realize, oh yeah, I live alone. Don't get me wrong, I am so much happier in my current relationship status than most people I know in their current relationship. There are only 2 couples in this whole world that I've met that have a relationship that I respect and value, and ironically, or maybe not so much, neither couple has kids. The others, well, it only takes about 10 minutes of interaction before I think, oh, thank god, I am not in that kind of situation.

On another note, I got my results of the survey the kids took about me. They had a paper copy of a survey that asked questions like, does your teacher care about you, does your teacher have high expectations, etc... Well, 100% of my kids that that I make learning fun. Bam, right there, my goal is met. All of that other school bullshit is just that, bullshit. Another plus is that the kids said that they feel like they are learning, which I suppose is one step towards actually learning, but we know that high school brains are delusional. They may think they're learning, but their exam scores show a different story.

In a reflection the other day, I asked them what they see themselves doing in 27 years, when they are my age. Yes, they will be 42 in 27 years. I am 27 years older than my students... Of course it's an unfair question since I don't know what I'll be doing in 2 years, never mind 27.

For now I'll skip the bracelet, design awesome lessons and take my dog to the park.

Revelation # 841

It was yesterday that I realized that not only do I love all things hiking, being outside, wandering along paths, it's actually my favorite activity. For the past several years I've search for and been on some pretty amazing hiking adventures but as I walked through the tree lined, pine needled paths of Harris Lake that I felt the realization that this is exactly where I want to be. Not at Harris lake persay but hiking. Outside. Among the trees and birds, wandering through nature not seeing a single building, store, or many people for that matter. In the past two days I've hiked 10 miles and passed 4 people.

I've also come to the realization that I am quite the introvert. I would choose going out into the woods on a hike over a party without a second thought. The one thing that does make my hike better is my dog. I want to spend more time hiking and less time working. 

I am going to spend more time outside and less time working starting now. 

Dog time

There's not much that I love more than being outside with my dog. I feel that the art of enjoying a peaceful, non material moment is becoming a lost art.

Remember the time...

I walked off the plane in Raleigh and was hit with the humid warm air of the south. Awesome. It's interesting how smells can trigger memories and that smell of that warm air, the feeling of my skin soaking up every bit of moisture, brought back 30 year old memories. The family trip to Florida to see my grandparents in their mobile home in the trailer park. The warm, moist air, being a bit bored, running with my father, going to get orange juice and grapefruits at the Indian River citrus stands, playing cards, watching my grandparents suck down high balls, my grandparents still acting like love bird fools after all those years,  my grandmother wrapping up soaps, lotions and, of all things, the shower cap from her most recent hotel stay, my sister and I wearing our shower caps and acting like fools, laughing, eating clams casino, fish chowder, laughing. All those memories felt like a warm holiday hug.

Seeing the bad in good

This is the first time I've heard this existential bummer explanation, and I connect with this idea fully. I am the bummer side. I see a beautiful garden, feel love, notice the good and immediately think about the gone-ness. I see the dark side, the buts in situations. The weather is perfect today. Yeah, but... I do want to hold on tighter, but I also want to run away. I do notice the amazement in the world and then the horror. I do try to keep the thoughts to myself, but sometimes they come rushing out because I can't believe that no one is thinking what I'm thinking. You know how much this little pooch face Fresa means to me and yet I do think about her being gone, the sadness that I will feel. There is this melancholy in feeling love. I am filled with love and yet my heart is heavy from sadness.

The thing is, before watching the video I really felt that I was the only one that feels this. I am usually the only one to voice the other side and it usually causes discomfort. It's not like I wake up every morning deciding the be half empty. Sometimes I think I'm a glass half empty person because I'm ready for this all to be over with. I'm ready for that moment when all is recycled. It sounds dramatic and melancholy, but really, it's just how my brain works.

Many of my students self medicate and apparently in my first period I have three kids that are in a diversion program. I'm not sure, but it sounds like this is a class that kids take when they've been caught using drugs and alcohol multiple times. I don't want my kids to use, but the thing is, I get it. I get why they would want to avoid reality and live in a delusion. One girl told me today that she is smarter, faster and more productive when she's high and I told her, of course you think that, you are high and delusional, your reality isn't real. It just isn't. Real reality can suck bad, even when it's good.

Heated

I am grateful for a house with heat, for my job that pays for my heat and for the best snuggler on the planet.

As winter hibernation begins I am all to well aware of how excruciatingly slow and yet fast the time until warmer weather makes an appearance. My obsession with calendars and my constant wishing time away becomes more pronounced when weather plays a role. Early afternoon darkness has set and yet the days are progressively getting shorter and shorter until the solstice celebration when there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the days get longer again. Are there people out there that just live through this winter nonsense without obsessing over every frigid forecast?

And yet, when June arrives, I'll wonder where the time went...

Continental Divide

I decided to take my real camera on our hike today. I also decided to pull off the road to snap this photo. THIS doesn't seem real, even as I sit here in my living room after seeing this earlier today. THIS is heaven on earth, but I'm not sure how I'm going to survive winter. Falling the clocks back is going to make for early cold darkness. Each day gets a few minutes shorter and chiller. Being back in the US is nostalgic. I remember these feelings. Bundled up on the couch at 4:30 pm in pajamas, a scarf, big fat, fluffy socks. Thinking how nice a cup of tea would be, if only I had a butler. My freedom is worth it. 

Breathtaking

There's this view when you drive west on I-70 from Denver. You're view is limited and you are climbing altitude and all of a sudden you reach the top of a hill and this is what you see.

I've seen this view hundreds of times and it never ceases to amaze me, take my breath away, remind me of my place, restore a little tiny bit of faith.

It's the end of October and although we've only had a dusting of snow here in the city, the Continental Divide, those ridges of 14,000 foot peaks that separate the east from the west are already snow covered. It's like a dream up there, high alpine ecosystems. Think of the continent moving, adjusting, colliding and scrunching the rock. Our world is amazing, wondrous, spectacular.

Glorious

Going for a walk isn't that easy anymore... First thing is to check the temperature with the weather app on my phone. Yup, I confirm that it's 33 degrees, about freezing. Now to think about what to layer so that I don't freeze or sweat. Do I wear my new fleece lined pants? A long sleeve shirt? Two shirts? Do I wear my fleece hat and gloves? Ugh, all the decisions just to go outside. 

BUT look at what I get to see once I get outside and walk two blocks north.

Wow

This morning when I walked up to my building I could have sworn that this was the most amazing sunrise I've ever seen. Each step closer to going inside I couldn't take my eye off the sun and I rushed up to my 3rd floor classroom that gratefully faces east and snapped this photo. This is a completely undoctored photo taken with and IPhone 5. Wow.  Getting up in the dark and frigid air is compensated with this. Our Earth is wondrous, beautiful, stunning. I am in awe.

Doggie Love

Life is just better with a dog. This dog is especially awesome because she loves everyone and everything. A big change from my damaged Winnie, who was timid, shy and defensive. Fresa is exactly what I needed. As the weather gets chiller here in Colorado she gets snugglier. We are getting into our routine and although I feel terribly guilty about my long work day, I am grateful that those long days enabled me to find doggie day care. The affectionately call her the ambassador of day care. She is excited to go, excited to leave, she just enjoys her minutes. We could all learn a lot from this furry pooch face.

Fresa goes to Camp

My mom and I may have a little too much time on our hands. We decided to have a little photo shoot in the yard yesterday, the theme? Fresa goes to Camp. This house has been a doggie camp for years. In 2004 I drove 30 hours from Colorado so that my parents could watch Winnie while I spent the summer working on the fishing docks in Alaska. This camp is worth it. 

Que bonita

My final weekend in the DR concludes with a visit to my favorite beach, Playa Bonita in Las Terrenas. Awesomeness from sunrise to sunset...

I will miss the palm trees on the beach and the warm, calm, crystal clear waters.

If you find yourself in need of a tropical, out of the way, isolated place this is it. You can fly into Santo Domingo, rent a car and in just 2 hours be in Playa Bonita. It would probably be much easier to fly into Samana, check ticket prices now. 

If you could be any animal for the day...

One of my former colleagues currently teaches English in Croatia. Well, she gave a class "flash write" prompt of "If you could be any animal for the day..." As a teacher we model good learning by doing the activity and here's what she sent me:

I would be Lisa's puppy. I would feel her warm breath on my face, smell her Lisa-ness, hear her familiar voice and the surf and the gulls and the oooohs and ahhhhs evoked by my perky cuteness. I would begin to see the familiar tattoos on her body, esp. her shoulders because my head usually rests there. Oh, and I would taste the doggy treats she uses to teach me how to sit, stay come, and even lay down. I like those treats so I try REAL hard to get those commands right. I will master roll over eventually. I love being me.

Puppy Time in Playa Bonita

It is low season here at DR beaches and you know what that means? Cheaper rates, less tourists and a bit of rain - worth it. Playa Bonita is exactly how it sounds, beautiful, and my favorite place I've been to on this Island. The gov't has been doing work on the roads and a once 5 hour drive has been dwindled down to 2 1/2 hours. The cost for the speed, however is a bunch of tolls. Not a terrible price to pay to leave Santo Inferno for the weekend.

The teachers tend to congregate at a place called Atlantis on Playa Bonita and they allow dogs. I know I needed time to heal from Winnie's death and I've been living out of suitcases, but I MISSED having a dog in my life. I feel a huge wave of relief having her around. Of course it's more work and I have to change my schedule a bit, but it is worth every sleepless moment.

You know what else I've figured out... it's not that I'm not a morning person it's that I've been waiting for someone to share my mornings with. Fresa's routine has been established to get up at 5:30 no matter the day, so at that ripe time she whined and we headed out to the playa. Without her I would have missed this...

Early morning beach walks are the best. Especially in a place with perfect temperatures.

Las Terrenas has done a great job vaccinating and fixing their street dogs. A bunch of dogs hang out at this beach and since you are isolated from any roads and there a few tourists this time of year, Fresa was able to run and play to her and my hearts content.

She rarely sits still for very long when she's awake, so I hung out with her in the grassy area above the beach and we had a little photo shoot.

I love having a puppy. One of the things I always missed with Winnie was that she never looked at me. She was too abused and too old when I got her and I saw my other friends with their dogs have a different connection than I had with Winnie. Getting a puppy is the way to go.

Fresa Sacapuntas

I may be foggy from the lack of sleep, a little short tempered, and my mind may still be racing with unproductive thoughts, but for the past 6 days I have smiled more than in the past 6 months. There is just something about the lick of a puppy, the accomplishment when she potties in the right spot, or her tromping though the leaves that brings a deep, pure smile to your face.

It's impossible to take photos when she's awake, because if she's awake she is running around at top speed trying to bite everything in sight. I have to wait for her few moments of calm when I'm around. I've been leaving her alone all day while I work and she seems to be entertaining herself ok, but I'm sure she mostly sleeps and then waits til I get home to be crazy. I'm looking forward to some doggie time this summer.

I finally decided on a name... after almost a week and a hundred suggestions, I've chosen Fresa, which means technically is strawberry, but also can mean high maintenance. Like if a girl is taking a really long time to get ready because she's being super primpy, you can call her a fresa. Her middle name is Sacapuntas in honor of a close friend that I worked with in Bolivia. Sacapuntas, literally pencil sharpener, is her favorite word and when I asked what I should name her that word instantly came up, which also made me have a huge smile!

Pooch face #2 needs a name

I would like to introduce you to my new companion, and you can fully expect to be inundated with puppy photos for a while.

She's right here next to me on the couch. I wonder what Cesear Milan would say about that? I do want a well adjusted dog and I realize that she is a dog, but she sure is cute enough to cradle like a little baby.

She was dropped off at school this afternoon and I had a student meet her in the parking lot and bring her to my class (I was proctoring an exam). The first chance I got I ran out into the grass with her.

She is super affectionate and I instantly and completely fell in love with her. We ran around for a bit and then I put her in her little airplane carry bag and she slept for the rest of the exam. 

I rushed home and put down some food for her, which she gulped like a crazy dog, and then we headed for our first visit to the park.

Her little neck is too tiny for a collar, I'll probably have to get a cat collar for now... I bought the smallest leash possible, but it still seems to bulky for her. Her paws are super tiny, she has short legs and an awkwardly long body. Her short fur is like a normal short haired dog, but then she's got these long pieces of black fur with white tips. They said her mom was a poodle, she sure doesn't look like any poodle I've ever seen.

I wonder if she's ever been inside a house/apartment? She sure is whiny. She must miss her siblings back in the kennel. I've set up the little carry on as a den for her and she's already claimed the space for her own.

You know I must be in love, I've set my alarm for 5:45 am.

Angel doggies

Don't think just because I didn't write on Winnie's anniversary that I haven't been thinking about her - a lot. I started this blog four years ago right after she - it's still hard to find the right words - died, passed away, left earth... Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and every singe time I do I stop and smile. I could be in the middle of an argument (not that that happens much) and see a photo of Winnie and all my thoughts stop and a smile creeps out. I've looked through my collection of photos a million times, and each time a wave of peace and calm settles over me. This is the magic of dogs. This is why we put up with chewing, barking, poop patrol, because there is nothing like learning to love like a dog.