I want to say that I never wanted my own children, but truth be told I'm not sure when the decision was actually made. I know that I never felt the need to procreate, but instead felt the extremely strong pull to live an altruistic life. Instead of mothering one or two genetic offspring I have chosen to "mother" hundreds of kids each year. Your kids.
So today, on this Mother's Day, as I sit alone in my quiet house, I am reflecting on my life. Are you doing that too? Do you have kids? Want kids? Are you happy? I actually got pregnant once. I was 24, in grad school, in a serious relationship and should have been excited at the prospect of being a mother, but instead I had a panic attack, literally. I was so sad and knew that it was the wrong decision that I felt all those negative thoughts accruing in my uterus, circling the baby. The choice to have an abortion was the most difficult decision I've ever had made in my entire life. You see, my boyfriend at the time and I decided that we would keep the baby and I let the situation drag on for 16 weeks. Four months. I actually had to drive to a different state to have the procedure and I often try to think back at what I was going through and all I can remember is fog. I was on autopilot and somehow found my way to the clinic.
I am grateful that I lived in a country where I was able to make choices about my own life. Where I had a say in my future. I reached out to my family and friends. My grandmother wrote me a letter (that was our thing) and told me to free myself. I spiraled into a deep dark corner of the universe and it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. After days of doubt I asked my closet friend to take me to the clinic.
When I laid down on the table the nurse did an ultrasound and unknowingly revealed the sex of the baby. Not good for my brain.
After the procedure my milk came in. I was staying with my best friend and could barely get my head off the pillow. She was there for me in my darkest moments.
The clinic didn't do any follow up, no therapy, talking, seeing if I was ok and my life began a slow spiral down down down. I've never written this, I've told a few people, but never put this out there permanently. After the procedure, when I thought I couldn't go on another day I made a pact with God (at the time I still believed). I told God that if I got through this, the pain, both emotional and physical, if I could go on and get out of bed, that I would give up my right to ever have another child. I was forfeiting my mother card right then and there.
The ironic part is that I don't really believe is this "God" that hears prayers and has anything to do with reality, so why would I still carry this burden? Sometimes I think it's an excuse so that I don't have to think about being a mother. I've successfully picked crappy men my whole life and never wanted to share genetic offspring with them, and now that I'm 41 it's done.
I'm going to continue to mother your kids, the kids of Earth, all our kids. Ya'll obviously need help.
So today, on this Mother's Day, as I sit alone in my quiet house, I am reflecting on my life. Are you doing that too? Do you have kids? Want kids? Are you happy? I actually got pregnant once. I was 24, in grad school, in a serious relationship and should have been excited at the prospect of being a mother, but instead I had a panic attack, literally. I was so sad and knew that it was the wrong decision that I felt all those negative thoughts accruing in my uterus, circling the baby. The choice to have an abortion was the most difficult decision I've ever had made in my entire life. You see, my boyfriend at the time and I decided that we would keep the baby and I let the situation drag on for 16 weeks. Four months. I actually had to drive to a different state to have the procedure and I often try to think back at what I was going through and all I can remember is fog. I was on autopilot and somehow found my way to the clinic.
I am grateful that I lived in a country where I was able to make choices about my own life. Where I had a say in my future. I reached out to my family and friends. My grandmother wrote me a letter (that was our thing) and told me to free myself. I spiraled into a deep dark corner of the universe and it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. After days of doubt I asked my closet friend to take me to the clinic.
When I laid down on the table the nurse did an ultrasound and unknowingly revealed the sex of the baby. Not good for my brain.
After the procedure my milk came in. I was staying with my best friend and could barely get my head off the pillow. She was there for me in my darkest moments.
The clinic didn't do any follow up, no therapy, talking, seeing if I was ok and my life began a slow spiral down down down. I've never written this, I've told a few people, but never put this out there permanently. After the procedure, when I thought I couldn't go on another day I made a pact with God (at the time I still believed). I told God that if I got through this, the pain, both emotional and physical, if I could go on and get out of bed, that I would give up my right to ever have another child. I was forfeiting my mother card right then and there.
The ironic part is that I don't really believe is this "God" that hears prayers and has anything to do with reality, so why would I still carry this burden? Sometimes I think it's an excuse so that I don't have to think about being a mother. I've successfully picked crappy men my whole life and never wanted to share genetic offspring with them, and now that I'm 41 it's done.
I'm going to continue to mother your kids, the kids of Earth, all our kids. Ya'll obviously need help.
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