Eyes wide open

I've just had the most amazing revelation of clarity, you ready for this... Ok, so in a previous post I was thinking about the fictional person in my life. This is what I've just discovered. He is real, he really exists, BUT who he is really and who I've made him in my head are two entirely different things. This doesn't sound like a huge revelation to you, huh? Well, get this part. For the past year he and I have been hanging out off and on, lately way more off than on. When we first met he was super super hurt from a previous relationship and our friendship became me consoling him, building him up, being strong, giving him encouraging words. This wasn't much of a surprise to me since I often become the emotional, mental caregiver in many relationships since that helps me avoid my own mess. For a few months we hung out (read friends with benefits) and I was there to absorb his hurt. Then summer arrived and I left to travel. While I was gone on my 26 different flights I worked on the masterpiece that is the fictional relationship that I wanted. Of course he and I were the main characters, mostly because he was the one I was hanging out with, and I didn't have another, immediate choice for a leading man, so we became this perfect little couple - in my mind.

Summer ended and my mental romance was really moving forward. Imagine my excitement about coming back to the island - to reality. Of course I am oblivious about this relationship only being in my head. I'm sure he feels the same way, right?

I arrive to find out that things aren't as peachy as in my script. Wait, how can that be? Oh, I must rearrange some parts, edit some sentences, but the romance exists, right? This can't be real, what I'm seeing, hearing, witnessing, because real is my cute, fun, awesome relationship I've made -  in my head.

I kept up this ruse all the way until TODAY! Seriously. And you know the worse part? My decision to quit my job and move back toward something was based on the "fact" that I thought I could actually have real feelings for someone. I was sure that even though this relationship was a bust, that since I was so happy in my HEAD that this could only mean one thing... I am ready to meet THE man. This one just didn't work out, but it must have been him, not me. I'm ready to open up and love.

Imagine my dismay at this very moment. I've been delusional - all along. Yes, I've been in hiding for 4 years, but here in this 5th year of being overseas, when I really thought I'd made a major breakthrough, a revelation of sorts that I was ready to love again - I find out it WASN'T REAL.

Shit, crap, damn. No wonder I've had freak out moments lately. Doubting my intentions. Not sad, or regretful that I quit my job, no that was necessary and I am not delusional about needing a break from the classroom, but shocked that part of my drive to take this leap of faith was love. The realization that I finally knew how to have real feelings for someone is a lie, fiction, isn't real. I'm no more ready than I've been my whole life, well, maybe now I am. Now that I see this major difference between what is standing in front of me and what I'm concocting in my head. When in the beginning a guy does something unforgivable, outrageous... leave, don't make a pretend reality (aka fictional story) in your head.

After several hours of deliberation I came to this conclusion - you can create reality from your fictional fantasy, but you can't create fictional fantasy from your reality. What you see in front of you is real, if you make justifications, excuses, alterations in your head then you've just created a fiction that doesn't exist. However, if in your head you dream of a day when you can live in a cute house with a cute garden with the love of your life, well, that can actually happen. You create your reality, your reality doesn't create you.