Random Thoughts

Oh thank you calendar, for being DONE with that hellacious month of January.

Have you ever noticed that the Counting Crows, as good as their music is, is kind of depressing?

Remember when I LOVED the entire month of February, as it represented my birthday month?

40 is half way to 80.

It's one thing to be up at 7:30 am and it's a completely other thing to be functional and teaching a class.

I'm feeling motherly and proud at how much some of my former students have accomplished.

I think about getting a dog everyday.

I want to take more risks without being more reckless.

My guts have been sending me messages, and I've been listening.

I was going to put beans on my chips, but it was too much effort to heat them up.

someecards.com makes me laugh out loud.

Swear words are fun to say, it's just letters people, letters.

It has occurred to me that I haven't been posting pics from the DR...

You'd get more photos if it didn't take 8 minutes to load EACH one. Damn DR internet.

Stay-cation

Had myself a little "stay-cation" this weekend, and it's a good thing...

Weekends are hard enough, as far as finding constructive things to do, but a three day weekend, forget it. I'm out, and by out, I mean out of town. Just one of the benefits of having zero ties. Well, this weekend was a three day weekend and as of Thursday I still hadn't made plans. Something was stopping me. Some "feeling" that I should just stick around my lonely apartment. I, of course, am second guessing my feeling. Do I really want to stick around here? I never reach out to people so chances are I'll fill my days with books and walking in the park and trying to illegally stream TV shows from the internet. I can manage that for a normal weekend, but a three day weekend? Friday rolls around and a friend says she's leaving that afternoon for the beach up on the north shore. Normally I would jump at the spontaneous chance of an adventure, but something stopped me. I declined her offer, even with her protests of feeling guilty that I'm not coming. I made up some excuse that I didn't want to leave until Saturday morning, but understood that she wanted to get on the road right away and that she should and not to worry about me.

She leaves Friday night, I hang out with some peeps from school and Saturday I get a call. She's been in an accident. She's fine, but while doing a u-turn in the road she missed seeing the motorcycle with 3 passengers coming down the road and they barreled into the passenger side of the car, smashing out the passenger window, crushing in the passenger door and making a bowling ball dent into the windshield on the passenger side. She is fine, a little scratched up from flying glass, the 3 motorcyclists are banged up, bleeding, cut, have to go to the "hospital". It is going to be impossible for you to imagine this town. This little beach town in a 3rd world country with something like a clinic for a "hospital". All I could think is having to be patched up in that clinic.

That instinct feeling, that gut reaction that caused me to pass up on a beach weekend could have saved me from being cut by glass and sitting in a dirty clinic, scared more of the treatment than the actual glass from the window. This gut feeling was strong, strong enough for me not to ignore. I'm a little freaked out about it actually. We are taught to ignore those feelings, not to be so emotional, but thankfully this feeling kept me out from under the dark cloud of drama that was following her.

It's seasonless sadness

Is it possible to have winter time anxiety when it's 80 degrees and sunny? Is it my landmark birthday? Is it just that the end of January generally is a sucky time of year? I have moments of peace but they are just flutters.

Another earthquake shook the city today. This time I didn't feel a thing. Or maybe I did. I'm still not sure exactly what it feels like, other than the fact that my bed is on wheels and it rolled around the other night. That I felt, but didn't register the feeling until the next morning when people talked about the nighttime quake. Nothing like some movement of the earth's plates to make you reevaluate your life. I know, I know, I spend way too much time thinking.

Have you ever heard someone relate a chemical imbalance in your brain to diabetes? Ok, so in diabetes the pancreas isn't working properly, but you don't hear anyone saying, just suck it up and FEEL that your pancreas is working. Now, I did just read an article about placebos and sure enough just telling you your taking medicine plays a significant role in how you feel, so mind over matter? Can I give you fake insulin and you'll process sugar correctly?

It occurred to me that I should start documenting some of my training for my upcoming trip. Just as I was thinking about doing another big trip, sitting in Raleigh, not on a big trip, thinking, yup it's time, an email comes in and sure enough my University professor is headed to Nepal and Tibet. I'm in. In. In. In. It took a millisecond to decide and now I'm in "get in shape mode". My last big hike, well, I guess you could count the Inca Trail, but before that was Kili and that was in 2007 and I had just turned 35. So here I am 5 years later, about to cross into the darkness and it's time for another adventure.

So far training has consisted of just getting back into general shape, but this weekend I put on my boots for the first time in two years and the blisters have made their mark. I'll keep you posted on their progress...

The World is Wondrous

I've recently accepted the realization that I do not believe in god, or a higher being, or a spirit, or anything you'd like to refer to that implies a purposeful designer/creator. Since as far back as I can remember I've been questioning the rules of religion, I was raised Catholic, but have had a bit of exposure to some other Christian religions and while living in Burma got to know Buddhism quite well. As a little kid I just didn't understand why I was a sinner, I didn't have evil thoughts, I just loved everything and that was smashed out of me by attending church and Sunday school and learning that I'd better be careful or I'd head straight to hell. Even waaaaay back then hell seemed like a ridiculous concept to me. Really, this all loving God is going to threaten me, a little kid, with hell? And if it wasn't God, but just these human people, why were they doing that? 

Years went by and I decided, well, maybe I don't believe in this whole Jesus, God, religion thing, but maybe there is this creator spirit energy thing. Yeah, that sounds better. Then the whole like attracts like thing came out and that really didn't make any sense to me, I mean, have you put two like ends of a magnet together? 

And then I moved to Burma and thought, let's see what this Buddhism thing is all about and found out it's basically the same macho crap as any other religion. You've heard of reincarnation and enlightenment and karma, right, but did you know that if you are a female right now that you can't reach enlightenment in this lifetime because you have to be in a male form to do that? Women are restricted from certain areas of temples and worship spaces? That's a load of crap and the same manipulative techniques that other religions use. Nope, not for me.

For the past couple of years I've tried to be open. Remember my "being saved" session in North Carolina? The Holy Spirit was supposed to speak through me. I tried to let go, open my mind and mouth, but sure enough, nothing came out.

This past Christmas I went to church with my family. It's important to my Dad and I decided to give it a go. You know, listen, really listen to what is going on, as a non-biased bystander. I was ready, open, waiting for that preist to communicate to us. You ready for this? The rote Catholic-ness leads to the sermon and I sit up straight, ready... First thing out of his mouth is a quote from some reading that apparently we are supposed to know, but many of us don't know, and he says - "well you all would know this if you actually came to church more than once a year" - or something to that effect. Really, that's your inspirational opener, criticism? Berating me for not coming to church and you think this is going to make me want to make church a part of my life again? Here is the opportunity to connect with us heathens and show us the way and you stoop to our level and tell us how evil we are? Done.

I'm no longer playing any reindeer games. I'm done. I'm not going to heaven, there is no heaven for me, and there has never been a hell for me, so that's out too. You can wish me there, or believe I'll be there, but that makes no difference to me because it doesn't exist. I have this one life and then I'll become part of the elements in the soil and maybe some will evaporate into the air. Until then I'm going to enjoy the wonders of the world.

Just take the fork and run

So I think I've figured out why I'm so freaked out about turning 40.

You know how people say that 40 is the new 30? Well, actually, I agree. At 30 I had just gotten my teaching license and "decided" what I wanted to be when I grew up. At 30 I had landed my first "real" job. At 30 I started a path, a path where I was in charge, because I could be. In charge of my "career", in charge of whether I wanted a family or not.

Then, in a blur, my 30's passed and during that time I chose a few paths. A dysfunctional marriage path. A soul searching path. A homeowner path. A flee the country and move overseas path where I am virtually responsibility-less. I have practically no possessions, own nothing and owe nothing. Free. My current path, all chosen by me.

Now, here's my problem... since 40 is the new 30 and back "then" you had to grow up around 30, does this mean I have to grow up at 40, and what does that MEAN? Am I supposed to choose another path? What about this kid thing? Am I supposed to have a kid, because I'm a woman and that's what women do? Because it's a bond that is like no other bond and I'll miss out on it? Because it would be super cool to raise a kid? Or am I supposed to adopt? Help a kid that needs a family? Am I supposed to do this alone? Am I supposed to look for someone to do this with? At 30 it didn't matter that much because I was in charge, but at 40 my eggs are drying up. There is a huge difference between deciding not to have kids and not being able to have kids. I'm at this fork and I don't know which way to go.

This fork will have a significant impact on my future. Remain responsibility-less, because let me tell you, coming home to nothing and no one has it's perks. Living rent free and having more time than you know what to do with is quite enjoyable. Or do I want that dog, that house, that yard, that family? 40 is a big moment. My biggest moment yet. It's the oldest I've ever been. 40. It sounds horrendous.

Son feos

Remember the post I did about "Normal Life" (if not scroll down a bit)??

Well, I only live about a 4 minute walk from school, but you know that we keep getting reminded about being robbed, so I got into the habit of taking the bus to school in the morning (actually takes about 20 min) and walking home in the afternoon. I figured that this strategy would, #1 have me walking during daylight, and #2 decrease my chances of being mugged since I just will be "out" less often. The bus comes to my house at 6:20 am and then does a round of pick ups before we get dropped off at school around 6:40. One Friday was a teacher workday and we didn't have to be to school til 8:00 am and I decided taking the bus so early was ridiculous and that I would walk, and low and behold the 4 minute walk in the dark wasn't so bad. So when I returned after break I decided that I would sleep in an extra half hour and risk my life an extra 4 minutes every day.

Now, I leave the house around 6:35 and it's still pitch black. We do have street lights here, but you know how your brain plays tricks on you when you are walking in the dark. Hey, what was that creepy shadow? Well, a friend brought me some mace back from the States and on the first day back I buckled up my chest strap on my backpack (this makes it harder to rip off) and I armed my right hand with mace and began the 4 minute walk in the morning blackness. Can you tell I had freaked myself out a bit... yeah.

So I leave the gate of my apartment complex and start walking on the sidewalk towards school. In the darkness I approach an area with trash cans and random floating trash pieces and

sssccrruunnchhhh, shuuuuuugggg, sssccccrrrrrrrruuuuuugggg,

WHAT
OMG

Heart beating faster, eyes wide open, sweat starting to bead on my forehead, my attention jerks to the left and what do I see


RATS

rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats...

ew

ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew...

Now crossing chickens I can get used to BUT RATS????

Xmas in NC

I'm back in the DR and thawing out. It is nice to bundle up in fleece every once and a while, but it is a lot nicer to hang around in shorts and a t-shirt. My skin is starting to plump up since it's not so dry, how did I live so long in Colorado, I guess that's where my lotion addiction really began.

I had a great break. I stayed mostly at my sister's house and it was really nice hanging out with her. I know I'm a bit biased, but she really is an amazing person. I can't wait to do another trip with her. One of the hard things about being home was being around dogs... I have been missing having a dog lately and being with Nala and Payton made it worse. Mary was dog sitting for Payton, a male lab mix, who is one of the most affectionate dogs I've ever met. If I were staying in the U.S., I would have pretended he ran away and stolen him for my new dog. I realized that even though I had my own place in Denver, I was never living alone, I always had Winnie. Here, I am in an apartment, by myself. No wonder it can get hard.

I ended up spending a freaking ton of money while I was home. One hundred dollars is the new five dollars. Every time you go to any store it seems that you spend $100. I did stock up on some comfort items, like candles and body splashes. I thought a lot about the environment while I was away, and reflected on the fact that no one else seems to be spending much time thinking about it at all. It felt a little hopeless at times, I just kept spending and contributing to the cycle.

I did decide to add some more art to my body while I was home. When I came back from Burma, I brought a book of Burmese designs with me and I ear marked a page of designs. Those designs have been in the back of my head for a few years now... One night my family was sitting on the couch watching TV, and Tosh.O was doing stand up and he did a bit on people asking a tattooed person if they were worried about what their bodies would look like when they were 90, and his joke was basically that no one that gets all tatted up can ever imagine being 90, and it got me thinking of my fear of 40, and it;s not a fear so much, but a fact that I never thought I'd make it this far... So, I decided that I should add the burmese design and looked up a place in Raleigh and broke my idea about going below my elbows. Heck, I'd love full sleeves.

Don't worry if you don't think it looks "done", that is kind of the point, a work in progress. Now that I've ventured into the forbidden forearm zone, I can continue with my DR tat there. 

I am so glad I splurged on the NYC trip. It really was a great time. Here are two of my favorite photos from the trip...

75 is room temperature - anything below that is inhumane

You know what's worse than a cold toilet seat?

NOTHING

I haven't been in the US in December since 2008 and I forgot how absolutely much I hate the cold. Well, no, that's a lie, I know I hate the cold, but I actually did forget just how miserable it is.

Our first night in Manhattan was COLLLLLD...

Our hotel was right in Times Square and you couldn't have asked for a better location. Our family loves exploring places on foot so we walked for miles and miles around the city...

Our first big stop...

The American Museum of Natural History - one of my favorite places on earth. We got super lucky, because one of the temporary exhibits features the giant sauropod Mamenchisaurus - a huge long neck found in China. The exhibit focused on the physiology of being SO huge.

Of course the dino hall was a must see too...

We walked up to the upper west side, so cut through Central Park. I'm not used to seeing bare trees.

My Aunt Nancy bought us tickets to see the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall and the show was amazing. I wasn't sure what I would think, or how many times they could kick their legs, but the Holiday show was super cool. The timing of 50 girls on stage was perfect and I have a much greater appreciation for how much physical fitness goes into being a Rockette. Thanks Nancy :)

There was even a couple of 3-D parts.

In our travels around the city we passed lots of delicious restaurants. The mini cupcakes were a big hit!

As a Today Show fan, my mom really wanted to get down to Rockafella center and get on TV. Mary and I weren't too excited about it, so we didn't get up at the crack of dawn, but we did squeeze ourselves in...

One of the things I really wanted to do before I die is see a Broadway show. 2011 was the year for my first show. I decided on the Lion King and bought my sister and mom tickets and we celebrated surrounded by lots of excited kids in the theatre.

No trip to NYC would be complete without heading to the top of the Empire State Building. I had to take out a loan, but we took the elevator up. What were my thoughts while I was taking in the view? Damn, I can't believe that NYC has to bring in all their water...

The trip was great, and I am glad that I came home and glad that I spent the holidays with my family.