Just take the fork and run

So I think I've figured out why I'm so freaked out about turning 40.

You know how people say that 40 is the new 30? Well, actually, I agree. At 30 I had just gotten my teaching license and "decided" what I wanted to be when I grew up. At 30 I had landed my first "real" job. At 30 I started a path, a path where I was in charge, because I could be. In charge of my "career", in charge of whether I wanted a family or not.

Then, in a blur, my 30's passed and during that time I chose a few paths. A dysfunctional marriage path. A soul searching path. A homeowner path. A flee the country and move overseas path where I am virtually responsibility-less. I have practically no possessions, own nothing and owe nothing. Free. My current path, all chosen by me.

Now, here's my problem... since 40 is the new 30 and back "then" you had to grow up around 30, does this mean I have to grow up at 40, and what does that MEAN? Am I supposed to choose another path? What about this kid thing? Am I supposed to have a kid, because I'm a woman and that's what women do? Because it's a bond that is like no other bond and I'll miss out on it? Because it would be super cool to raise a kid? Or am I supposed to adopt? Help a kid that needs a family? Am I supposed to do this alone? Am I supposed to look for someone to do this with? At 30 it didn't matter that much because I was in charge, but at 40 my eggs are drying up. There is a huge difference between deciding not to have kids and not being able to have kids. I'm at this fork and I don't know which way to go.

This fork will have a significant impact on my future. Remain responsibility-less, because let me tell you, coming home to nothing and no one has it's perks. Living rent free and having more time than you know what to do with is quite enjoyable. Or do I want that dog, that house, that yard, that family? 40 is a big moment. My biggest moment yet. It's the oldest I've ever been. 40. It sounds horrendous.