The World is Wondrous

I've recently accepted the realization that I do not believe in god, or a higher being, or a spirit, or anything you'd like to refer to that implies a purposeful designer/creator. Since as far back as I can remember I've been questioning the rules of religion, I was raised Catholic, but have had a bit of exposure to some other Christian religions and while living in Burma got to know Buddhism quite well. As a little kid I just didn't understand why I was a sinner, I didn't have evil thoughts, I just loved everything and that was smashed out of me by attending church and Sunday school and learning that I'd better be careful or I'd head straight to hell. Even waaaaay back then hell seemed like a ridiculous concept to me. Really, this all loving God is going to threaten me, a little kid, with hell? And if it wasn't God, but just these human people, why were they doing that? 

Years went by and I decided, well, maybe I don't believe in this whole Jesus, God, religion thing, but maybe there is this creator spirit energy thing. Yeah, that sounds better. Then the whole like attracts like thing came out and that really didn't make any sense to me, I mean, have you put two like ends of a magnet together? 

And then I moved to Burma and thought, let's see what this Buddhism thing is all about and found out it's basically the same macho crap as any other religion. You've heard of reincarnation and enlightenment and karma, right, but did you know that if you are a female right now that you can't reach enlightenment in this lifetime because you have to be in a male form to do that? Women are restricted from certain areas of temples and worship spaces? That's a load of crap and the same manipulative techniques that other religions use. Nope, not for me.

For the past couple of years I've tried to be open. Remember my "being saved" session in North Carolina? The Holy Spirit was supposed to speak through me. I tried to let go, open my mind and mouth, but sure enough, nothing came out.

This past Christmas I went to church with my family. It's important to my Dad and I decided to give it a go. You know, listen, really listen to what is going on, as a non-biased bystander. I was ready, open, waiting for that preist to communicate to us. You ready for this? The rote Catholic-ness leads to the sermon and I sit up straight, ready... First thing out of his mouth is a quote from some reading that apparently we are supposed to know, but many of us don't know, and he says - "well you all would know this if you actually came to church more than once a year" - or something to that effect. Really, that's your inspirational opener, criticism? Berating me for not coming to church and you think this is going to make me want to make church a part of my life again? Here is the opportunity to connect with us heathens and show us the way and you stoop to our level and tell us how evil we are? Done.

I'm no longer playing any reindeer games. I'm done. I'm not going to heaven, there is no heaven for me, and there has never been a hell for me, so that's out too. You can wish me there, or believe I'll be there, but that makes no difference to me because it doesn't exist. I have this one life and then I'll become part of the elements in the soil and maybe some will evaporate into the air. Until then I'm going to enjoy the wonders of the world.