Let there be light

So last week one of the teachers at my school mentioned that even though a person may be saying out loud what they think they want/need, that inside, you know, deep within the inner self, that might not be what your spirit is saying. That got me thinking, a lot, what if my inner spirit really doesn't want to be happy, loved, at peace? What if I think that's what I think I want, but deep within that is not the message being sent? Seriously.

This 3 day weekend is the long awaited yoga retreat for 17 of us girls, and it in the midst of morning meditation I realized that my spirit is bright, shining, at peace, filled with acceptance and love. This is a huge relief. Ok, so what is the problem? I suppose it's years and years of walls I've been building up, since I would say the age of 6. Protective layers, well, what I thought at the time were protective layers, but have only turned out to be destructive layers.

This is amazingly good news! I have that evil bitch persona, but it is not truly who I am. The dark, destructive self hatred is just part of the layers that I have worked so hard to build and protect.

The timing is pretty good since I successfully managed to destroy another relationship. I realized that the walls, those thick, heavy walls are stopping, blocking my light. Many people get a tiny glimpse of my light, they know it's there, they sense that my evil witch-ness is just an act, and they love me even when I am not able to love myself.

Yesterday in meditation I thought I was going to work on patience and tolerance, I can be harsh to people, judgemental, but then it hit me like a brick - my first step, my energy, my thoughts, focus should be on acceptance, of myself. No wonder I am so critical of everyone and everything, I am a self hater. I am done with that.

I am sorry if I have judged you, or destroyed our relationship, I wish you light.